There are probably more than hundreds or thousands of stories like the one I'm going to tell in the United States alone. My story begins on a cold night in the city. There I was, standing on the balcony and gazing into the sky. "There was something very New York about this city." I thought. Nearby, the noises of cars driving down the streets and loud police sirens became a ghetto lullaby to my soul. This was the night I was going to remember for the rest of my life. I wanted to write in my journal because I had a tough day at school. Every boy has a diary, right? Oh I mean Journal. I searched my backpack and couldn't find it. I had never misplaced it before. I was starting to worry. I ran over to the closet I sometimes slept in. The household was overcrowded, so when I wasn't falling asleep on the outside balcony, I slept in this closet. Ironic, I know. My mother rented a two bedroom/two bathroom apartment. There was my mother, her boyfriend and my two younger brothers in one room. In the other room, there was my aunt, her boyfriend and her four children. I couldn’t sleep in the living room because my drunken grandmother marked the living room territory with her beer soaked odor and crazy ranting. I rushed to the closet, pushing aside the boxes that would fall on top of me when I would sleep. It had to be there. I hoped it was there.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I was afraid to turn around. It felt like there was an overwhelming invisible force turning my entire body. There it was! The journal! It was in the hands of the one person that could destroy my life, the same person that had given me life. My mother! It was like a horror movie about to go all wrong. Everyone was convinced that my mother's eyes were not light brown but dark red. Once every blue moon, horns would pop out of her head. Okay, not really but she was evil. This was the woman that would beat me for any given reason at any given time. I remember questioning how come we didn't sit at the table for dinner like other families and she assumed I was saying she was like her father. She beat me that night so bad I had to stay home from school the next day so nobody would noticed the marks on my skin or the red in my eyes from crying all night. And what about that time at the barber shop? She got upset because she thought I looked too sad, so she went to the alley beside the barber shop and found a lead pipe to beat me with. I felt like a young superhero because my bruises, busted lips and cuts would be healed before anyone other than my mother could notice. The moment of silence was over. " Where did you find that?" I stuttered. I had written about my depression, the lack of love from my family, the question of my sexuality and how much I hated the way she treated me. She explained that she was not upset and that she had spent all day reading through the journal. Although she had said she wasn't upset, she was wearing that cruel smile on her face that had manipulated many. The next thing she would say would change my life forever. "You have a problem. I don't want my sons to end up like you. I want you out. I don't care where you go, I just want you out." She said. Then she tossed me the journal and walked away. I was stunned. What did she mean she didn't want my brothers to end up like me? What was my problem? I wanted to cry. I wanted to smile. The shock brought me to my knees. There were no tears in sight. This was something I've been waiting years for. I was hoping that one day I would be able to leave that hell hole. But like this? There were so many questions burning through my head. I never thought I could be so happy and sad at the same time. I felt like if I stayed any longer, she would have killed me. Now that I was free from the chains, what would I do?
The next day at school, I was called out of class to the principal's office. There was a woman sitting at the table. She said she was from Child Protective Services. I could tell she could sense that something was wrong because I was never too good at hiding my emotions. "How is everything at home?" She asked. "Good." I lied. "There's nothing unusual or dangerous going on in your household?" She asked while raising her eyebrow like she knew I was lying. I wanted to tell her that my mother abused me physically and mentally. I wanted to tell her that my stepfather sells drugs like the rest of the men in my family. I wanted to tell her to help me. I wanted to cry but once again, there were no tears in sight. "Everything at home is good, ma'am." I said. I don't know why I didn't tell the truth. I still don't know why I didn't tell her everything. I guess I was afraid that she wouldn't believe me. I thought all adults stood together and thought kids would lie. She worked for the government and the last time I called the cops on my mother for abusing me, they believed her. She opened the door, gave the the policemen that wicked smile and said "Oh, he's just overreacting. I just spank him for acting out and being bad. He tries to run away from home a lot and wants to stay out with his friends all night." The policemen looked at us both, then told me that It didn't look like I was seriously abused and I should stop lying. So, would this lady from Child Protective Services believe me? No, I didn't think so. So I lied because the truth wasn't helping me.
People saw me as handsome, although I didn't think so at the time. My dark eyes blinded me from seeing the bright side of things. Whenever I was in a good mood, people believed that my energy was contagious. No one could resist my innocent smile. That afternoon, I sat on the floor in the wrestling room biting my thumbnails. The others guys on the wrestling team didn't really notice anything different about me that day. The door swung open beside me and a blond hair, blue eyed guy limped in with the biggest smile on his face. " Hey pussies, who's ready to get their asses kicked?" he shouted jokingly. I couldn't help but smirk. I looked up this guy. How could you not? He was ranked number one in the state for his weight-class and he only had one leg! He lost his leg to cancer when he was young and it was replaced with a prosthetic leg. The cancer didn't stop him from being the most gorgeous and coolest guy in school. " Hey Seth, You wanna practice with me today?" I asked. We were pretty much evenly matched and I had taken Seth down numerous of times. I could have taken Seth's spot on the team if I really wanted to but coach suggested that I drop down to a lower weight class so that all the spots were at their best. Later after practice ended, I hid out in the hallway waiting for the last person to leave before I ran inside and made myself a comfortable spot on the wrestling mat. That's where I slept for the night.
Days went by before anyone noticed something was a little off with me. Seth asked if I wanted a ride home after practice but I politely tried to decline because I didn’t know where home was anymore. Seth knew something was wrong. I wasn’t the best liar. Seth told me that I could stay with him. He didn’t really consult his parents about the decision but that was just like him not to consider their opinion. I didn’t tell Seth the full story of why I was kicked out. I spoke about the abuse part but not the sexuality part. Seth shared his room with me; it was the messiest room I had ever seen. Trash, water bottles and computer wires were all over the floor. Naked photos of woman hid under Seth’s bed. Some of Seth’s behavior was about to rub off on me. Seth would find any reason to excuse to be late to school or not go at all. I started to take advantage of Seth’s laziness by staying home to cruise the internet for guys. Manhunt.com wasn’t producing any results because the guys on there were the bear type, you know the type that were hairy and probably lock me in their dungeon. I wasn’t ready for the whips and chains kind of experience.
Every morning, Seth’s mother would leave us brown bag lunches for school. Seth had the additional adderall pill next to his bag. He would take the pill and leave the lunch in his car for weeks until the smell became unbearable. I always dreamed my mother would be making me homemade lunches. One day, Seth’s mother left a little note and I couldn’t wait to read it. I figured it would be a sweet and inspiring message. Remember that you are mommy’s little man and good luck on your test today. I waited until lunch to open the letter. I sat next to my locker reading the letter which explain that their family can no longer support another mouth. I knew that had to be a lie because they had money. Maybe my mother was right when she told me that none of these people will really welcome me into their family. She always told me that nobody would love me. I knew that Seth’s family were having problems but thought I would be a blessing in the chaos. I couldn’t believe that in less than a month, I had been kicked out of two homes. I tried to be angry, when instead I was crying on the inside.
As the sun was setting, the first official day of the summer was upon me. This was the season that made me feel happy and free. I walked to a park, sat down at the bottom of the slide and imagined I was a star that fell from the sky. I don’t remember much about that night but the stars and how it felt like I was in a transition of change. I didn’t know what was going to happen next, I truly thought I had ran out of options and I would spend a long time sleeping in parks. I wanted to cry that night but once again, I didn’t.
The next morning, some nearby kids had kicked a ball against the slide I was sleeping in, rapidly waking me up out of my slumber. I got up and grab my bags. To where? I wasn’t sure. I headed over to Christa’s place; I knew she would would know how to get my mind off this. Christa was a very tall, tan and gorgeous country girl that knew how to have fun. Sometimes, that’s all she was good at. “Hey Christa!” I shouted sounding and looking as if nothing was odd about me carrying my bags over my shoulders. She turned around and her long brown hair moved so poetically in the wind. She was always so effortlessly sexy. “Hey” She replied. She wore cut off short shorts that displayed her legs that never seemed to end and a pink Hollister tank top. I might not have had anything planned for my living situation but a little fun might clear up my mind. Or it could stir you off the road of security.
After spending the day being careless and fun teenagers with Christa, I was ready to head back to the park to claim my spot on the slide. I was too embarrassed to let Christa know about my situation. Suddenly, someone came riding down the street on a bike. It was one of Christa’s friends, Brett. He hopped off the bike. He was short, white, blonde haired and blue eyed. He seemed like an outgoing guy. He acted very shy around me and I was trying to figure out how little ol me could make someone so nervous. Someone has an admirer. I stayed at Christa’s for twenty more minutes because I didn’t want to be rude and I wasn’t really in a rush to go anywhere in particular. Brett found the courage to actually come over to me and speak. He couldn’t help but be out shined by my and Christa’s personalities.
“Where do you live man?” Brett asked. Christa was checking her Myspace page but suddenly stopped. She knew something was up with me but didn’t want to be a party pooper.
“Actually, I have nowhere to go. My mom kicked me out.” My eyes wanted to water but nothing came out.
Christa had kept her face towards the computer screen to give us some time to talk alone. “Come with me, you can stay with me. I’ll let my mom know.” Brett said in a nonchalant way. Brett thought he was the coolest kid on the planet. I thought he was the nicest kid on the planet to be offering me a place to stay for only knowing me for a little less than an hour. I just didn’t want this to end up like the situation at the Seth’s family’s place.
I followed Brett to his house and we talked more and bonded over our love for emo bands. We came up to a small house, typically looking house for the neighborhood. Dull, nothing special stood out besides the old truck parked in the driveway that appeared to have been unmoved for a long time. Brett caught the look on my face. “It’s my stepdad’s.” He said. “He’s a real asshole, but he won’t bother you.” I swallowed my saliva, second guessing Brett’s plan.
Home sweet home.
Brett opened the screen door. His mother was just on her way out. She was wearing spandex shorts way above her knees and a oversized t-shirt. She put a sun visor on her really dry and frizzy hair. I wondered where could she be going looking like the teacher from the magic school bus. “Mom, this is Darius.” Brett said trying to stop her in her tracks. “Hi Darius.” she said looking rushed. “He’s going to be staying with us” He went on calmly. Brett’s mother lowered her purse. “Excuse me, I have to talk to my son” she said softly while keeping her composure. Brett instructed me to wait in the living room. Brett and his mother discussed things in the other room and by discussed, I mean argued. “What the fuck do you mean he’s staying with us?!” - “Who the fuck do you think you are!” --”Mom, he has nowhere to go. His mom kicked him out” Brett voice lowered with sympathy. His ice blue eyes got watery. His mother felt that her son was really serious about this. He cared about me, even though he only knew me for a short amount of time. A very short amount of time. Brett’s mother walked away from him and entered the living room. I was sitting there trying to pretend I couldn’t hear everything they just screamed.
“Hi again Darius. I’m Trish. I’m going to have to discuss this with my husband when he gets home, but for now make yourself at home.” I wanted to hug her. “Thank you so much.” I said contemplating the option of being turned down. Brett was proud of himself. He hardly won any fights with his mother, although he hasn’t won yet. He jumped up and put his arm around me and said “C’mon, I’ll show you around.”
Three streets away lived my best friend and right hand man Charles. We were the same height and size. We could have been twins the way our personalities were so similar yet so different. Charles was white but perfectly tan for someone who locked himself in a dark room playing video games all day. He was the shy and strong type and I was outgoing and sensitive; we made a unique team. Charles had a dark sense of humor and dubbed “Bohemian Rhapsody “ by Queen as the lead song to the soundtrack of his life. His mother was an abusive drug user, which led to his adoption. Luckily, his adopted mother was cool and hip. She was easy to talk to and allowed her kids to speak their minds which sometimes led to arguments and by sometimes, I mean always.. She sent out hilarious emails and smoked pot when she thought her kids didn’t know. They knew and they always found her hiding spots for things.
It was dinner time back at Brett’s house. Trish looked at her ogre like husband with a bit of sorrow in her eyes. I explained everything from the abuse, my mother withdrawing me out of school so that I couldn’t finish and I left out the part of the story about being gay. I waited eagerly to hear their decision. “We will see what we can do to get you back in school but there’s some things we have to go over first.” Trish said getting up to check on the meat that was cooking. Brett was eavesdropping in the corner in the living room. He rushed into the kitchen and whispered to me “ she’s about to mention rules which means they’re letting you stay.” He put his arms over my relieved shoulders.
“You and Brett can decide who gets the chore of doing the dishes or cleaning the pool.” Trish said. She placed the dinner plates down on the table.
“I got the dishes!” Brett yelled.
Cool. I hated washing dishes. I smiled as I looked around the dinner table at my new family. Trish was sitting down still wearing the oversized T-shirt and spandex shorts, Marty; her husband was sitting next to me already shoving food down his mouth and across the table Brett and his little brother Matthew were arguing and annoying each other. This was the kind of family I wanted.
Brett led the way to the pool I’ll be cleaning and to my surprise, it didn’t look anything like a pool. Any greener, they would have a natural habitat in their backyard. I rethought the option of washing the dishes or cleaning a swampy swimming pool. Brett opened the sun room’s glass slide door. He then ran around the pool while two large dogs chased him playfully. He said all I had to do was brush the walls of the pool and we can swim everyday during the summer. He was on the high school’s swim team. I raised my eyebrows and questioned whether we should swim in that pool when the neighborhood’s community pool was right next to Charles’ house. “Or this weekend, we’re taking the boat out to the river. It’ll be fun.” he said coming over to introduce the dogs to me. They jumped all over him. There was so much family love here but I should be careful for what I wish for; I never get what I really want.
Sunday came and not a minute too late to kick off the Summer officially. There was a knock on the door. Trish opened the door and greeted the woman standing behind the screen door. There was a vibe of fakeness that filled the air. I was peeking from Brett’s room. “Ah, thank you” Trish said as she put some object away without inviting the lady into her home. The woman leaned in forward searching the room with her eyes. “I heard you took in some poor boy.” she said and Trish nodded and replied “He’s sweet.” “Well, be careful with him being around your sons, I heard he was a homosexual.” the young soccer mom said with the expression of concern on her face. “Hmm, I heard the same thing about your son, have a nice day” Trish closed the door on the woman’s face. I smiled a little but was worried that the rumor and my secret was traveling faster than I thought it would.
Later that day, my new family and I took the boat out to the river. “Hey! Have you ever water skied before?” asked Brett’s giant step dad. My whole body fit inside his shadow. “No, I haven’t.” I said looking up at Marty. Brett hopped in the boat and told me how it wasn’t hard. Of course it’s not that hard for a varsity swimmer. It still amazed me that Marty was so big but I was starting to grow fond to his laughs and chuckles. We took off down the river. Brett spotted a tree branch that looked like a rope. Brett and I got on the side of the river on the tree and he swung from the branch into the river. His family cheered back on the boat. I was nervous. The river water wasn’t clear and I was worried if they had forgotten to tell me to look out for alligators. Here goes nothing; I swung from the branch and flipped into the water. The family cheered me on and I swam back towards the boat. We headed down the river again and it was time to try to water ski. Brett went first. He was a natural. When it was my turn, I strapped the skis on my feet.
Marty started to boat a little slow at first and then sped up. I went forward for about three feet before falling face first into the water. I could hear and see everyone laughing back on the boat. I hated being laughed at. I know they didn’t mean any harm but I didn’t want to give up. I gave Marty the signal to drive the boat again. This time, I got up and didn’t fall; I was doing it! Marty swerved the boat from side to side to create these waves for me to jump over and I did. After I redeemed myself, I got back into the boat and that was the first time I noticed that Brett’s face had changed. After eating lunch and playing around on the river, we went back home-- It felt so good to spend time with a family and go back to a place I could call home.
I was with Brett’s family for about a week or so before Charles told me that I could join his family on vacation to South Carolina. I was so excited to have a chance to go somewhere new. Charles’s adopted mother just wanted to make sure it was okay with my new family if I travelled with them and to ask if they could give me a small amount of money to cover food and stuff. I was surprised that Trish was okay with it. Everything was going so well. Charles was excited too which was different than his usually emo depressing attitude. We were sitting down playing the xbox and he told me that there would be so many hot girls in South Carolina and then added “ and guys too, for you.” That was be the best moment I’ve ever shared with Charles. That acceptance from someone I consider important was so special to me. I changed the subject back to his comment about girls because he had just started dating this girl I totally approved of. Chelsea was this beautiful girl with the longest legs, nicely rounded ass, sweet smile and innocent yet sexy eyes. She was into sports, photography and classic rock music, which Charles connected mostly with her on. She was taller than him but it was cute. They were so cute. I was jealous but happy for my best friend. Chelsea made me promise to make sure Charles was a good boy while on vacation.
It was finally time to leave to South Carolina. A family of eight packed inside the Lisa’s SUV. I didn’t prepare myself well enough because Charles and his siblings had little portable nintendo game systems and I just had my MP3 player. For some reason, the only thing I can remember about the long drive is how Lisa kept playing the Black Eyed Peas album. Being on the open road kept me awake most of the time because I never wanted to miss something scenic. We stopped somewhere in Georgia, near Stone Mountain. Then it was back on route to South Carolina. When we finally reached our destination, I was so stunned by how close we were to the beach. I know they said “beach house” but wow! We greeted the other members of Lisa’s husband’s family and since we were still just kids, we were allowed to leave to go play instead of conversing with the adults. The beach was so beautiful. We played with the little waves on boogie boards. Charles, his brother Blake and I decided to race out into the ocean at one point. My friends would always make jokes about black people not being able to swim. I have always proven them wrong but never took the jokes too seriously.
I knew when we were racing that I was way ahead of them and that I was really far away from the beach. I took a look behind me to see where the boys were and there they were on the beach jumping and yelling. I couldn’t hear what they said, I turned around and saw a fin. I panicked and went back at fast as I could. When I made it back to land, out of breathe, I took a look back again and there were more fins. It was dolphins passing through. What a relief! It was scary seeing a fin that close to my face and luckily it wasn’t a shark. One of the other nights, Charles and I snuck out of the beach house and went to the beach to pop some firecrackers. There, we shot small rockets at each other and talked about our “love” life. He explained to me that he wasn’t sure if Chelsea was the one because he messed around with Maggie. Maggie, was this enormous boob freshmen girl that had a slutty reputation and I dated her briefly. I had found out that she cheated on me with half of the wrestling team but it didn’t matter too much because I was sure I was more into guys. Charles could do better than Maggie -- actually, Chelsea was better for him. Being the friend he wanted me to be on this vacation, I told him he was right. He was young and should have fun. I could tell that he was relieved that I didn’t judge him for wanting to hook up with Maggie and not take Chelsea so seriously. I told him something I didn’t think I would tell anyone. That, I had already had my first gay sex experience. He didn’t interrupt me, so I went on.
It was when my mother kicked me out; She didn’t know I was gay. I didn’t even know I was gay. I just mentioned that I had a crush on one of my guy friends from the wrestling team. After being kicked out and moving in with Seth. I noticed that Seth had printed naked photos of girls under his bed. Seth was the coolest guy in school and he influenced me in ways I didn’t think I would be influenced in. I started to look online to meet other gay guys because I wanted to date and experiment. That was probably a bad Idea to be looking that up on Seth’s family’s computer and not covering my web history tracks. Even though my first attempts ended up getting me kicked out of the first home I moved into after being kicked out of my own home, I was slightly still successful. I met a guy named Alex. He was Mexican and we talked on the phone a couple of times. He had an accent that turned me on and yet I could hardly hear anything he was saying. We had set up a date -- sorta. He picked me up with his best friend Jerry and Jerry’s boyfriend. The four of us headed back to Jerry’s place. Inside the car, I was so nervous and scared that I was probably about to get into something I wasn’t prepared for. We made it Jerry’s apartment where we drunk beer and talked.
Next, Jerry got extremely wasted and his boyfriend took him into the room and smiled as he closed the door. I knew what they were about to get into. Alex asked me if I wanted to go sit in the hot tub outside. I agreed and off we went. We sat there and I didn’t know how but I started to get more drunk. Alex explained that the hot water could make the alcohol inside my blood stronger. One thing led to another and I finally made a move; I kissed him. I felt that he was getting hard under his swim shorts. I put my head underwater and tried to give him a blowjob. He quickly moved my head back above water and asked me what I was doing. I was trying to be sexy. Before I could answer, the apartment complex security guard yelled and told us that we aren’t allowed in that area after a certain time. We hurried back inside to jerry’s apartment. After we showered, we sat in the living room and started to make out again. The way Alex was touching me, I figured that we were about to have sex. It was my first time. I was about to lose my virginity.
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